Lucky Man

Greg Lake - Lucky Man

Talking Heads - Once in a Lifetime

If there's one thing my roadtrip has done, it's remind me of how lucky I am. It's not a time of my life when I feel particularly lucky, but I when I stop and think about it rationally, I've had a very fortunate life. I was at the right place at the right time at several key moments in my life, which led to a career which I have loved. I found a partner who, while we ran into a lot of (eventually terminal) issues between us, was in many ways the perfect yin to my yang. The result was a great home, and joint parenting which produced two bright, creative (and even fairly organized :-) kids whom I'm immensely proud of. We created something better than ourselves.

When I get depressed about where things are now, I try to remember that many of my friends never had those chances, or only got there after a great deal of pain and hard work. When I look at the house, and all the things we did together, I remind myself that while the future we tried to build is lost, I learned a great deal and became a much better person as a result of the experience, and most of all; the kids got to enjoy the results of our endeavors. It doesn't take away the pain, but it makes it more worthwhile.

I was talking to a friend on twitter about how scary I found it to be on my own again and living closer to the edge than I ever have before—even though I have far more of a safety net than most people. My life hasn't prepared me for this. She said,

It's very scary. Especially when you've not been through it before. When you have, you know how far bottom is & are better able to focus.

She's right. Rationally, I know that. Emotionally, I'm still working on it.

In the end, it comes down to self-confidence. I know what I'm capable of, I just have to believe it. I have four major projects in the fire, two of which are in completely new realms for me. I know I can do them, I just need to believe it. That's where changing my environment has made such a difference. I'm no longer living somewhere where I feel constantly inadequate. I have hope. And the swings of self-doubt are getting shorter and shorter. I just need to make the leap of faith and get the focus I need to get back on track.