Coyote Too

D/s culture replete with ways to punish a submissive, but what happens when the Master goes astray and hurts the submissive? Who punishes him?

The answer is quite simple. The Master punishes himself.

Whether the relationship is for a single scene or a life time. Whether it takes place in a club, a bedroom, or across the internet. Whether it's for show, for play, or fundamental Need. No matter what the time, the setting, or the reason; the Master took on a responsibility to care for the submissive. Her well-being becomes not just his responsibility, it becomes his well-being. Just as her pleasure becomes his pleasure, so her pain becomes his pain. You cannot have one without the other. So long as the relationship exists, the two are bound, not just together, but within each other. Pleasure and pain. Trust and responsibility. Master and submissive. One being.

When the Master screws up, both feel the pain. The submissive understands pain. So long as Trust remains, she has an outlet; she can seek solace in the care of her Master. She can hide behind the security of protocols and structure. The Master has no similar option. He cannot run away; she needs his presence. He can not ask for comfort; she needs his strength. His pain is raw and unprotected, and the submissive's continued trust in him only magnifies it, because he knows he has violated that trust; he knows he is undeserving of Trust.

Despite the pain. Despite the self-doubt. He must carry both pain and guilt together; they are one. That is the responsibility he took on when he entered into the relationship. If the relationship is to continue he must heal their shared pain the only way possible; by proving to himself, and to her, that Trust is justified; that he still deserves to be her Master.

Her pain. His punishment.

Last night I screwed up. I won't go into the details. Suffice to say that I violated protocols, trust, intelligence and probably a number of other things; all in an attempt to avoid causing pain to my submissive. It's not the first time, and I'd love to say it will be the last, but Coyote has a short memory. It was a reminder to me that the formality and protocol which can go with a D/s relationship exist for a purpose; they provide protections can that make it far easier to discuss and address emotional issues. The irony is that I have a half-written blog post about this very topic. Clearly I need to finish it.

So I screwed up. I hurt her badly, and that hurt me. This morning when I woke up, it still hurt, although at least I had a clearer idea as to what I had been trying to do, and what had gone wrong. But the pain was still there in my chest, and the doubt as well.  This is a remote relationship, it's unclear how or if we can fit it into the rest of our lives. My screwup came from my attempt to clarify some of those issues. Was any of this truly the right path for me?

My submissive was very formal in her texts today; and that gave me some strength. Protocol is not a wall which separates you, it is a wall which shelters and guides you. She was still there, she hadn't given up on me despite what I had done. That was good, but there is only so much you can read from a short text message. Was she being formal because she was pissed, or was she using it so that she could gain strength too?

Then she told me she had written a blog post.

hiding

Today I’ll hide.  
Behind the protocol,
behind my submission.  
Behind the walls.

I’d hide behind sex today, if I could.
I’d spend too much time looking for sex that lasts 25 minutes but would calm my mind for days.
I’d search for the dangerous lies that I tell myself because it closes off my heart.
Sometimes it’s hard to see how this is bad for me.

It’s hard when you try to see past the fear.
When you try to live in today.
When you try to be hopeful and optimistic.
When you stop for a minute and think maybe you deserve it.

It’s harder when people challenge you.
Be afraid, little girl.
They don’t call em ‘red flags’ for nothing.
I know this.

So today I will hide.
Be silent, and quiet.
No sudden moves.
My submission is all I can offer today.
And perhaps that’s enough
to get us through till tomorrow.

Her pain. My punishment.

But like a blues song, it amazes me that such beauty could be borne from such pain.

Thank you, Pet.