Dominance: What Draws, What Intimidates

Several weeks ago Mollena (@Mollena) asked me several questions on FormSpring. I finally got around to answering them (in other words, I was desperately avoiding doing taxes) and I thought two of them might be worth posting here. I've done a little minor editing, but if you read what I wrote on FormSpring, you've seen these already.

What intimidates you about dominance? by Mollena

Responsibility. I've yet to play on a casual basis, although I would like to (oddly, that requires more confidence, more on that in a second). My play has been in the context of relationships with at least some level of commitment, and that commitment as a Dom has meant that I have a great deal of responsibility for the emotional well-being of my partner. In many ways, that's an incredibly egotistic thing to take on, and it is something that scares me every day. It's bad enough to start a vanilla relationship and worry about whether you really love them, whether it will fall apart, how it will impact them. But when you do that in a D/s relationship, there is a lot more at stake.

Secondly, I'm intimidated to some degree by experienced Doms, but that has fairly quickly dissipated, because unless you're there to put on some gorgeous rope show for the crowd, or show off your skills with a singletail, the true measure of the Dom is the reaction of the sub. My focus right now isn't on technique, it's on sensation, and I pretty much stop being aware of anyone else when I am in a scene.

Thirdly, experienced subs intimidate the hell out of me. (Yes, that definitely includes you Mollena :). I'm not worried about doing things “wrong”, but being clumsy, stepping over boundaries, being compared to others, and simply not satisfying my partner, are all issues. It's all the things guys worry about in terms of normal sexual relations, but magnified 100 times. In my limited time in this space, I haven't played with too many people with much more experience than myself, so this hasn't been a major issue. What I've generally found is that I go too easy on my partner. That I can solve if given a second chance. ;)

Related to that, I worry that my partner will want me to push limits that I'm not ready to push. However the things I want to push seem to be growing far faster than my opportunities to top, so that hasn't been much of a problem yet! LOL.

Oh, and penis size of course. :)

What draws you to dominance? by Mollena

The flip answer would be “20 years of a relationship where I felt non-consensually dominated,” but it's not really that simple. There's an extreme rush of power and well-being from the level of trust I receive. There's also a level of confidence that it both requires and gives me. It energizes and focuses me. It has also taught me (contrary to 20+ years of negative feedback), that I actually am very good at reading someone's subtle emotions and reactions. As a result it has fed positively into other parts of my life as well (consulting, meetings, job interviews, etc.). Finally, there is just nothing like the incredible sensation of taking someone to their edge and beyond, and then bringing them back home. I love the look in someone's eyes when they are lost in subspace. I love being able to create that state. Creating a pleasure for someone that they can't create themselves is just incredibly fulfilling. Prior to discovering my Dom side, the thing I most loved (and when my marriage was nearly sexless, the one thing I would have traded everything else for) was going down on a woman and looking up into her eyes as she came. I would have happily given up all future orgasms if I could have had that on a regular basis. The pleasure I get from taking someone to that place is far beyond the pleasure I get from my own orgasms. The fact that I can do a scene, get my partner off a half a dozen times, never take my pants off, and yet walk away completely fulfilled and unfrustrated is simply amazing to me.

As always, I have to thank Mollena for making me think. Her questions are just as thought-provoking as her answers.

Thank you.